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F#$@&%*! you 2013

December 22, 2013

Issue 15
Vol. 3

I couldn’t think of a better title for this post. I think that 2013 was the worst year of my life. Like hands down, no real competition, terrible in so many ways, number one champion of being the shittiest year of my short life. What makes it worse is that so much of what happened I never saw coming. My Mother died of Breast Cancer. My Cousin Tabitha was murdered by her boyfriend. My Uncle was killed also, though we were never really close.

I am a believer in lessons learned. Because when you can’t go back and fix everything that broke your heart and made your days dark then there is always tomorrow, a chance to do everything over again, to do it better and find redemption in the lessons learned.

Everything that has a beginning, has an end…Resolution Round up: The End

Last December I wrote about 4 very specific new years resolutions. 1) Improve my nutrition 2) Read 2 books a month 3) Date again 4) Write and post something in my blog at least once a month. Every 3 months, once a quarter, I would sum up my progress or lack there of. It is December and the last month of the year. Time to give myself my final grade, assign new resolutions and start this whole thing over again.

This...this should be good.

This…this should be good.

Reading – F

I have to be harsh on myself with this one. I have red like 4 or 6 books all year, its shameful really. I love to read but clearly not as much as I love being lazy. Every few weeks I would lay down, just before bed, book in my hand and read 5 or so pages before I fell asleep. The next day I wouldn’t read anything, and day after that I would try again and just end up watching TV. Then before I knew it a week had gone by and I hadn’t read a damned thing. I would remember my resolution and I would try this again, a few days or weeks later, and then the cycle would continue.

I read two video game tie-in books that weren’t bad, but I didn’t want people to know that I was reading them. I read a book about how much confusion there is for 20somethings. I started silence of the lambs, twice. I am sure there was one or two more after that.

The root of the problem was TV. I have reduced the overall amount of TV that I watch. Instead of just sitting on my bed or the couch and just watching anything that was on I have found specific TV shows that I watch. Life on the ship didn’t help because I was often so tired after a day at work, long strange and demanding work, that sitting down and focusing on a book is impossible. Now that I am in a school for the Navy if I want to read I can only muster the energy to read something for school if I read for fun I feel guilty.

These are all lazy excuses though. I just need to buckle down and read.

Insanity Wolf gives great advice.

Insanity Wolf gives great advice.

Writing – A

There isn’t much to say besides the fact that I have made good on my promise to produce something worth while once a month. Writing is very cathartic for me and a lot of fun. I get to express myself, share ideas and (try to) make you guys laugh. I hope you enjoy what I write and continue to read.

Any suggestions or topics you think I should or want me to cover? Anything else you would like me to do?

Improving my Nutrition – B-

I stopping eating fast food every other day. I have increased the amount of fruit, vegetables and lean meats that I eat. I only eat fast fast food maybe once or twice a week (I plan to reduce that to once a month). I eat breakfast just about everyday. I try to eat healthy snacks daily. What I have learned is that I use fast food to feel better when I had a shitty day. Also Pizza is my favorite fast food.  I will have to think about how I am going to over come this. While I don’t have to eat fast food, I do crave it. I want to have better control over my cravings. There is so much good food I can make at home and it does take extra effort to do so, but in the end it is better for me. When I think about what I eat and why I eat what I do I feel better. If I get up 15 minutes earlier than I normally do I can make oatmeal for breakfast. Oatmeal is a complex carbohydrate and gives me energy for the morning and most of the day. I don’t feel groggy or sluggish. I think I am going to reattempt this resolution maybe…

Dating – C-

I wanted to give myself an “F” but that’s an not honest assessment. I tried. I talked to women. I put myself out there. I did my best and in the year of 2013 I could not find one date. What, exactly, am I supposed to take away from this? I watch my peers do this with such ease, and success that I am at a loss for understanding. (I know I am not supposed to compare myself to anyone else but if you know how to do this feel free to share it with the rest of us.) If you expect me to be upbeat, hopeful or excited about trying again then you are, honestly, out of touch with humanity and live some sort of charmed Disney life.

Skeptical Cinderella is Skeptical

Skeptical Cinderella is Skeptical

So I have a new plan, and I think you guys will like it. Like I said in the blog post from last December if this resolution didn’t workout I had a plan and man its a doozey. I am going to stop brushing my teeth, stop shaving and talk to women through a sock puppet. I am not the worse guy on the planet with women, but I can be. If I could gain 400 pounds and ride around on a tricked out Rascal Scooter (Damn Navy) I would totally do it. I just don’t want to me pitifully bad, I want to be epically, universally, undeniably, so fucking bad that in 50 years when guys fail to pick up a women in a bar, club, a cloning factory (ITS THE FUTURE PEOPLE) they will say “Damn, I just pulled an Adam.”

"If you make yourself more than just a man -if you devote yourself to an ideal -you become something else entirely - a legend, Mister Milton a legend."

“If you make yourself more than just a man -if you devote yourself to an ideal -you become something else entirely – a legend, Mister Milton a legend.”

Seriously though, I am lonely and I want to feel at least like this isn’t hopeless.

Overall – C+

When I did good, I did GREAT. When I did bad I feel like I failed but not totally.  There wasn’t really a resolution that I totally forgot about or just disregarded. I honestly tried to do everything I set out to do. I learned a lot of things about myself and I know what I am going to attempt next year. I know what I need to do to help my goals to be more reachable.

Resolutions – 2014

Reduce fast food intake

This is easy. I will limit my fast food intact to between 0 and 2 times a month. This includes restaurants, drive throughs, delivery and everything in between. Fast food is not awful for you (unless it is) but its definitely not good for you either. So if I am able to reduce the amount of greasy fast food to only twice a month I think it could do a lot for my health that wasn’t bad to begin with.


I have a love hate relationship with running. After a few weeks I get back into the grove and running again. Its getting back into the grove that sucks. So I am going to start running at least 3 times a week. The distance will be a mile with a time of 10 minutes. This isn’t hard, rather slow honestly, but I need to start somewhere because as the year goes on I plan on increasing the speed, frequency and distance that I run. The only thing I have to decide is that do I want to make a set of goals, a standard that I want to reach each month, or just run and every month adjust my goals accordingly. If I set a goal for each month, realistic or not, I will have a better metric by which to judge my progress and I think I will make more progress faster. But life does get in the way and I may only get a chance to run a set number of times a week. There is a lot to consider.

You really should read the oatmeal.

You really should read the Oatmeal.

Dating (again (again))

I’m not a quitter, even if there is a good reason to do so. I’m going to keep trying until the bitter end or I buy a Russian Bride. Either way I am going to try…again. I do have an ace up my sleeve, honestly, this year. I am going to go to the top of Cowles Mountain and sacrifice a goat to lord Satan. Pullin’ out ALL THE STOPS! And if this doesn’t work well…I’m going to try again because when it comes to dating I am Sisyphus.

You know what makes the rock roll down faster? My tears.

You know what makes the rock roll down faster? My tears.

The truth is that I feel like I am missing out on a fundamental experience of youth. Don’t placate me or talk down to me. I am pretty insecure (As if you couldn’t tell by the sardonic and caustic humor that I employ to deal with my failures)  about this and brow beating or a condescending pep talk won’t help. I know its not impossible and attitude is everything, but after a few years (or a life time) of bad luck you wouldn’t be optimistic either.


I am going to make this really, really, easy. I want to get at least 3 industry standard certifications. They will go along way in the US Navy and if I get out they can only help. I will get 3 of the following.


The plan was to have a pool of random certifications that I wanted and I would pick three out of the pool and strive to get 3 of them before the year was out. But I am like a cat and those certs are like laser pointers. I will rush headlong into one only to find another one to attack, completely abandoning the first because the new one is new. So I narrowed it down to the three that I want. A very specific 3. One is easy and I should, or a better phrase is could, have it in a month if I wanted it (Network+). One I have half of it and while it is challenging I know I can have it by my birthday if I tried and if I do get it I will have a very specific set of training that will help me when I get out of the Navy (CCNA). The last is specific to my goals after the Navy, even more specialized training that will cost a lot of time, money and effort. I want it though so I will have it (OSCP).

I think this year will be good for me. I am transferring across the country to a totally new duty station, I am going to a handful of wonderful weddings and I have this strange warm feeling that everything will be ok.

The Zen of Lifting

When I first thought about getting into weight lifting I was intimidated. There didn’t seem to be any real entry into this complex and nuanced world. Reps. Sets. Bench. Rest days. Protein. Cardio. Personal record and percentages. Its enough to make your head spin. But after deciding that if I wanted something different I would have to do something different and figuring out that no matter how much I ran I would only become the world’s fastest fat guy.  So I bit the bullet and I have been going to the gym and lifting regularly for the past year and while I am not at my goals I do look different. I feel different and those words and phrases that used to make my head spin I understand.

I have fallen in love with lifting though. Not the results (pronounced in the lifting world as ‘Gains’) but the actual act of lifting itself. At any given moment my mind is an unfocused mess. A whirling, bouncing storm tearing through my mind like a trailer park, a bucking bronco that I can’t seem to break. I am subject to all of my remembered regrets and failures. I see and feel washing out of nuke school. The driving test that I failed. I remember all of the girls that I should have talked to or made a move on. I finish arguments, prepare for new ones and tell people who I really feel. I remind friends that I am still the same. I tell my Dad how he hurt me when I was little and in my darkest moments I remind my Mother that I still love her and will never forget her. I put myself in movies. I imagine my death. I arrange music videos and make all of you, the audience, understand. Not when I am lifting. my mind is quiet. So very quiet. I am focused. Just focused.

My favorite lift is the squat. I love and hate the squat. While it focuses on your legs it demands the entire body to do it. I was doing squats last night at the end of the night. I decided not to go heavy and instead decided that I would aim for squatting as low as possible before standing back up. I have squatted 315 before but I wasn’t able to go totally to the ground. So this time I reduced the weight and went all the way down.

I want you to stand up and squat down. All the way to the ground and then stand back up, forcing your but back, chest up and keeping your back straight. For 70% of you standing up you use the muscles on the front of your legs, your quadriceps. Once you are past that 70% mark the rest of your legs muscles seem to engage and it is so much easier. That is exactly what happened to me. With about 200 on my back, not a heavy weight, I went all the way down and then tried to come back up. My thighs burned, seared by the weighted lunges and the deadlifts I did earlier that day. My forehead was dripping and I was grunting and my mind was quiet. The most I could have done and did do besides lift was count.

Lifting affords me the quiet state of mind that I can never seem to keep. Instead of all my insecurities, doubts and fears all I can feel is the weight. And I fucking love it.


It was the fall of 2004 and I was 18 years old and an incoming freshmen to the University of Missouri. Next September it will have been 10 whole years since I embarked on my first steps into adulthood. 10 years since I first started blogging. 10 years since I met some of my best friends. 10 years.

Where the fuck has the time gone?

I have written about McDavid in the past. FARC. But it has been years since I have and now, that I am as old and as wise as I have ever been I feel that I can say, with out any doubt, that McDavid is one of the best things that ever happened to me. If I could go back and relive one year, one whole year, the good, the bad and everything in between I would do my freshmen year all over again. I would. I really would.

I have always credited FARC with showing me that I had what it took to get along, to work with people, to be accepting, and to be a leader. I discovered so much about myself. So many people talk about college as just a drunken stupor, with classes in between. My favorite memories in McDavid are the ones where I played Halo all night or stayed up talking all night to some of the best friends. And not for nothing, I talked to some of the prettiest women I have ever met. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention them. If they read this then they should smile because despite their insecurities I AM talking about them.

I helped to run FARC and really became a leader before I left. I helped to perpetuate one of the best things that I ever encountered. I established a role…”Adam” and reminded people frequently that FARC would always need an “Adam”. I am a big believer in a theory that I alone perpetuate. In any place, any special place, the people come and go but the characters repeat themselves. There will always be a “Mark from Farc” if only be another name. Or a Birtt or a Jacobs. There will always be someone like me, Black Adam, and there always was someone like me. FARC needs me, and it needs my friends as much.

As the years went on I grew up and older and helped to show the younger FARCers how to do things and I found younger friends and saw the same things in them that I saw in myself. I watched a community move, shift, dance almost and be everything that I wanted it to be.

We grew up, older and apart. Some have children, most have jobs and a few have careers. I keep in touch with a few but I want to speak to more of you. I went to a wedding and held someones child. I have been all around the world and only a handful of places have ever molded me as much as FARC has.

I have returned several times to visit and this time, I was able to walk into McDavid. There I saw the front desk, two people just talking and a guy sitting there, playing guitar, a smile on his face. I introduced myself and we spoke for only a little while and I learned that they still do Spotlight and there was a musical a little while ago. (A MUSICAL! *SQUEE!*) I shook his hand and asked him his name.

His name was Adam. And that’s when I decided. Its been far to long and the time has come…

FARC reunion 2014. Oh it’s happening.

~ Adam Milton

  1. Somebody still has Spotlight on DVD…

  2. Good luck on dating. I’m proud of you for not giving up. There was a time that you would have. Honestly, I think your job is the biggest impediment to your dating right now. I mean, dating someone in the Navy, who could be redeployed at any time, is kinda a really big commitment, so it’s hard to do those “getting to know you” dates that are so crucial at the beginning. Hopefully your new job and new city will make that easier. My thoughts are with you.

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